This is a personal blog after all, so today I am feeling obliged to write something personal. It is my birthday. I am turning 39. Really bad age and to be honest, I don't feel like celebrating. I haven't celebrated my birthday for years and if I have the choice, I prefer to be out of town for my birthdays. I hate the fuzz about this day, I hate being the birthday girl and yet it makes me sad when certain people forget my birthday. Welcome to my very twisted mind full of social insecurity.
Birthdays make me uncomfortable as does New Year's Eve, because they invite me to take stock of my life. It is a day to recall what has happened and what will be happening in the near future. And of course, there is a lot I am not happy about. I am still trying to gain back the figure I had twenty years ago, or even aiming higher. I have fought with my family more than I would have ever wished for. I am not proud of my performance as a mother, wife, friend or even employee. There is still so much insecurity and feeling of inadequacy.
But, as I am sitting on the carpet in my sweatpants and battered Iron Maiden shirt, headphones on, listening to "Fear Of The Dark", I noticed there is also a lot of stuff I am really grateful for and it feels right to focus on this for a change. The last two years have been quite a rollercoaster. Since I've started my metal blog, my live has changed considerably, I don't even know where to begin.
Obviously, there is a lot of music that is now part of my life. I've been listening to more music the last couple of years than I have in all the years before. I've discovered musicians and bands who are now providing a soundtrack to my life. There is such an abundance of good an beautiful music out there and I am alway grateful to discover more of it every day.
With my change in music taste came a change in personality. Very subtle at first, starting with a new wardrobe full of metal band shirts. I am still not what I would call a confident person, but I gained back some of my youthful non-conformity. While I am still feeling like an outsider with all the other moms and normal people, I love who I've become at the same time. Truth is, I've never been like other people. I am weird. And I've met some other weird people in the last years. You know who you are! I got the chance to start writing for a heavy metal magazine and with that came the chance to venture into concert photography and to get in touch with musicians and artists. I am spending a lot of time on these projects I am not earning any money with, but it gives me a sense of fulfilment. And for that I am grateful. I was adrift many years, metal set me on a new path. I realised, it is still not too late for me to learn and start something new and I can't wait for what is still in stock for me further down the road. I am ploughing on, not quite ready to be old and boring. Stay tuned!